Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Monday, July 21, 2008
This used to be one of my favorite tops and I haven't been able to fit into it in years. I've held onto it this whole time thinking that it would motivate me to lose weight but all I've really been doing is torturing myself with it. It was the perfect item to kick-off my 28th note to self.
I spent this past weekend in Denver, CO at a spiritual retreat. Each time the group I am studying with gathers, we hold a raffle of donated items to raise funds for those participating in the group that may need financial assistance. So, I donated my beloved purple pixie top to the raffle with the hope that it would find the perfect new owner.
More importantly, along with the top I let go of my tendency to self-flagellate over allowing myself to gain more weight than I am comfortable carrying. I'm now choosing to transform that energy and use it to get healthy, instead.
The woman that hosted me while I was in Denver was an extremely gracious and nurturing hostess with a fabulous sense of style that echoed my own. In fact, we had wardrobe synergy the entire weekend, individually dressing ourselves in very similar clothing. Over the course of the long weekend, we each ended up wearing black and red corset tops, clothing adorned with skulls, and black pinstripe capris. Each day we were delighted at the coincidences.
When it came time to draw the winning ticket in the raffle, she won my top and I was delighted. Now I really do feel as though the top will have a new life with someone who will love and appreciate it as much as I once did. I also feel wonderful having been able to contribute, in a small way, to raising funds for my fellow students. Lastly, I'm relieved to have let go of the idea that I will ever be that small again. I may never again be a size 6, but I'm dead sexy, dammit. And I am reclaiming my body and recreating healthy relationships with it and with the food I eat.
I feel great.
I have been dreading this goal but I now believe cleaning out 101 items from my home and either donating or selling them will be a liberating and empowering experience.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
... of liturgy and information customized to my current spiritual practice
I started this one the other day. I have a feeling it's going to take a lot of work so I'm going to try to throw a good chunk of time at it whenever possible. When I'm "finished" (though I might never finish this sort of project since my spiritual practices seem to be constantly evolving) I'm thinking of self-publishing it as a family heirloom.
My goal date is looming (July 18) and I'm not sure I'm going to make it. Though I've lost about 15 pounds since setting this goal on May 6, I'm feeling thoroughly disappointed with myself about the possibility of not actually getting into a size 16 when my goal date arrives.
I'm not sure what to do about it. I'm going to sit with it today and see what comes up. But right now, I'm feeling pretty down.